Saturday, February 25, 2012

The Rape Van: An Analysis

In an effort to establish, early on, a tone of my blog being a place of thoughtful prose and measured introspection into the obfuscated but elemental nature of the human condition, I was going to post a rather long essay that I've been working on for months.  It's probably the most interesting, and important thing I've ever written.  It's also longwinded, contentious, and boring.  So instead we're going to look at pictures of rape vans.

Ah yes, the 'rape van'.  Or as it's known to those of us who reached the age of majority before the '00s, the 'van'.  They're big enough to haul anything, you can seat 12 kids in the back (assuming you didn't install seats), they're rugged enough to survive years of torture, and they'll go just about anywhere you point them.  Once considered the ultimate working man's vehicle, the van lost much of it's credibility after the introduction of the minivan in 1984.

Minivans were the sensible, if neutered, younger sibling of the proper van.  At the time, they offered a cost effective way to shuttle a heavy load of groceries and a few rows of kids all over town.  They were grossly under-powered and unbearably mild-mannered, but the appointments were such that for the first time in history, family road time could be enjoyed in relative comfort - even by the shitheads in the back.  In short, it was a car for mom.

The minivan, of course, was later supplanted by the sport utility vehicle, which combined the seating and cargo capacity of a Datsun B210 with the fuel economy of an M35 cargo truck.  This was a no-compromises value proposition which unequivocally proved that American consumers are willing to sacrifice seating, fuel efficiency, cargo room, durability, and power in order to avoid driving a vehicle that might be perceived as 'faggy'.

With the minivan stripped of its dignity, the aging van - once simply out of fashion - was now relegated to it's own place of shame.  In spite of the undeniable awesomeness of the custom conversion van, the perception came to be that the only possible advantage of a full sized van was its lack of windows.

And so it became a stock cliché.  Anytime you see a van in a movie or on a television show, the driver is either a nefarious criminal planning a crime, a federal agent engaged in espionage, or a sexual deviant (usually a pedophile, just in case a regular snatch and grab rapist is too subtle for the audience).

So I've gathered a handful of the very best rape vans I could find in the darkest depths of the Internet.  Just kidding - no hard hitting journalism here, I grabbed the first several that came up on a Google image search.

I'm going to give each van a score from 0 to 10 in two categories 'Rape Factor' (The likelihood that the owner of this van will attempt to put a finger inside of you against your will), and Awesometude (an unironic assessment of how awesome the van would be if people would put away their hang-ups and just appreciate the sweet ride).

The Norse Horse
Rape Factor:  4

The good news:
The owner of this van is a blonde with huge tits.

The bad news:
Those are his best qualities.

Let's take a moment to deconstruct that mural.  It's a Viking wearing high top sneakers, brandishing a shield and an AK 47, cruising through outer space on a unicorn that shits inaccurate rainbows.  Maybe that doesn't seem particularly rapey to you, but ask yourself one important question:  How old were you the last time any combination of these things was cool?  Anyone who is old enough to drive should be deeply embarrassed to be seen in the passenger seat of this vehicle - much less caught holding the pink slip.

Damning evidence by any measure - so why doesn't this enchanted viking merit a higher rating?  It's because in spite of everything that is wrong with it, this van just isn't actually creepy.  I can't really explain why, but I get the distinct impression that the person driving this van likes all of these things in earnest.  Which means we're probably dealing with someone who is at least slightly retarded.  I'm not going to sit here and make fun of 'the man who has everything except a complete set of chromosomes'.

Retarded or not, the custom heart shaped window lets you know straight away:  If this van is rockin', don't hesitate to dial 911.

Awesometude:  2 

This is a tough one to tackle without my smartass hat on, because everything about this van begs to be ridiculed.  I was around for the 80s and 90s - a period of time so egregiously un-self-conscious that nothing on this van could possibly surprise me.  I've given it two points, for two reasons.

  1. I needed some footroom in the scale.  
  2. Any two items in the mural might have been cool.  Viking with an Kalashnikov?  Cool.  Outer space and unicorns?  Cool, if it's done right.  
On the other hand...

High tops and rainbows?  Never cool.

The Eddie Van
Rape Factor:  2

Strictly speaking, this isn't a rape van due to the inclusion of the large side windows.  Technically this is just a regular fleet van that got parked in the wrong side of town.  Be that as it may, if you're Sammy Hagar, you'd be well advised to consider the possibility that someone's looking to force feed you a tubesteak meatloaf with a side of warm yogurt.  It says so right on the side.  "Rape Van Halen".

Still, something about this phrase just doesn't seem right.  It isn't parsing right in my head.  It's the word Halen that's throwing me here.  It looks like Rape Van was written first, and Halen was added later.  It's clearly not part of the same thought process, because it's in a different shade of red.  Maybe the owner added it, hoping it would take the emphasis off the word 'Rape'. Maybe it's like a Wheel of Fortune 'before and after' puzzle.  What if the Van's owner wanted the words RAPE VAN on the side of his vehicle, but then it was defaced with the word - Halen?  There's definitely a mystery afoot here.

Awesometude:  4 

But what if it is all a single contiguous thought from a single author?  What if the owner of this van actually wants to Rape Van Halen.  Van Halen the guy?  There are two Van Halens in the band:  Eddie van Halen, and the other guy.  If you don't mean a specific Van Halen, do you intend to rape Van Halen, the band?  How does that even work?  I mean, are you going to forcibly fuck each of them individually?  It seems like that would take a few days if you were going to do it right.

Or are you actually schtupping the entire band as a cohesive unit - all at once?  That doesn't even really seem possible, unless you do some kind of weird 'Human Centipede' shit.  And even then - are you really raping ALL of Van Halen, or are you just forcibly hate-fucking the one on the end?  Is that enough?  Just fucking one Halen while he's surgically connected to the rest of the Halens?  HOW COULD THAT EVER BE ENOUGH???  

I call bullshit.

Something just doesn't quite add up.  I've got another theory.  Look closer.  The black paint outlines each stroke of each letter, right up until the oblique stroke of the N.  A black line was added to the distal edge of the N, but there is a clear disruption of style here.  Let's zoom in and enhance, ignoring everything after the initial omission of the black paint.

Rape Vai?  That actually makes a lot more sense.

I gave this one 4 points because it's like The DaVinci Code of rape vans.  And because fuck Steve Vai.

Playing Doctor
Rape Factor:  6 (but not directly)

Dr. Playground.  This one seems like a no-brainer.  That truck is definitely rape-tastic.  However, there's some background we should go through before I explain why this truck is even creepier than it looks.  Dr. Playground is the name of the park maintenance teams in New York City.  They travel from park to park maintaining swings and see-saws and doing whatever it is park maintenance crews do.  The fun motif makes these guys a crowd favorite with the kids and their parents.  They're like local superheros, keeping the parks safe for kids.  I really must stress that there is nothing subversive about that...

Unless you count the fact that they've created the perfect cover for NYC area pedophiles to loiter around parks in plain sight.  A green shirt and a toolbelt and people will assume you've been thoroughly vetted by the City of New York.  Some toddler wanders too far from the herd while mom is reading her novels, and you've got one more missing child to add to your milk carton collection.  And not one person will remember seeing a suspicious person.

To be fair, Dr. Playground only unintentionally facilitates rape.  Conversely, the New York City Tax Authority will coercively hardfuck you without romance or lubricant, and they won't even bother to enjoy it.

Awesometude:  1 

These things are total shitboxes.  They're eyesores, and the fuel economy is so bad that it's measured in gallons per mile. even if one was for sale - dirt cheap - you'd have nowhere to park it.  A truck like this would ruin the property value of your entire block.

The only reason you rent one every time you move, is that moving is the only thing in the world that's worse than driving a box truck.

Expecto Penetranus
Rape Factor:  9, but busted down to a 7

Here it is.  Our first proper rape van.
Creepy 60s vibe?  Check.
Double side doors for easy passenger side abductions?  Check.
Utterly windowless interior?  You betcha.

You're probably wondering why this one was busted down to a 7.  "You're being a bit picky about your rape-mobiles," I like to imagine someone saying at this point.

Looking at this image, the aging doesn't look digital.  This looks like an old physical photograph that was scanned in at some later date.  The obvious problem with that is that Harry potter probably didn't exist when this photo was taken (I'm guessing mid to early '80s, based on the wear shown by the vehicle and the photo).  So I decided to check closer.  From front to back the white paint on the van gets darker, because of lighting.  The lettering stays exactly the same color all the way across - with very little color variation at the pixel level.  I also found some image manipulation halos around that first E that look suspect.  To make matters worse, there is only one picture of this badboy anywhere on Google.  People would be snapping shots of this masterpiece every day.  Someone would have posted a recent image, right?

Long story short, I think this is a fake.  It's a pretty good fake, but it's a fake, and that makes the rapeyness seem disingenuous.

The concept is a 9.  Riding around in this vehicle, were it real, one could easily imagine a villain wielding his master wand on some pupils.  The village sawbones will be hard pressed to explain the sudden outbreak of pediatric genital hogwarts.

Despite the digital trickery, this is still a creepy and poorly maintained windowless van with a great deal of rape potential.

Awesometude:  7 

Honestly, If I had a band, and if people had a better sense of humor, this is the vehicle I'd want to take to the gig.  Slogan and all.  I think it's funny as hell.  I'll bet this thing belches more smoke than the Fukushima reactor, which gives it a kind of Uncle Buck awesomeness.

It's all about the double side doors, though.  Anyone who's ever loaded and unloaded their own gear knows exactly what I'm talking about.  And after a humiliating 2 hour set of your band bombing harder than the Enola Gay, the extra double door means you can pack your gear twice as fast and keep your post show walk of shame to an absolute minimum.

Plus you could put a bed in the back and crash harder than Yukio Araki.

The Yellow Despoiler
Rape Factor:  10

Nothing fake about this one.  This, dear reader, is the real deal.

Consider the clues:

Look at the mildewed roof, or the rampant rusting.  This vehicle has the general rotting disposition of a vehicle owned by a person who is so completely enslaved by his dark urges that he can't hold a job long enough to afford to maintain his vehicle.  This is a sociopath nomad who has been completely ostracized from society for a multitude of crimes that he is known to have committed, but for which no admissible evidence has ever surfaced.

Look at the side door - that's not damage from a collision.  A collision would have damaged the rear panel behind the door as well.  It's marks of a struggle - The chilling aftermath of a desperate victim fighting with everything they have to escape an act of vile predation.

The boarded window speaks to a foul and premeditated intent.  Only those who have been 'invited' will ever see what happens behind the sickly and decaying sheet metal.  A tale lost to the countless shallow woodland graves left in this vehicle's wake.

Awesometude:  0 

Seriously, Yellow?  Lame.

Rapes U
Rape Factor:  7

This one is clever.  It's like a rape ninja.  Looks completely legit, right up until you open the door. Then from out of nowhere - BAM.  Rape.  On the other hand, maybe it isn't so sneaky after all.  For all I know, Rekkapesu is a cross between Bukkake and waterboarding.  Maybe it's the most brazen and obvious rape van in the lot!

The handle visible on the interior of the side door makes it possible for an accomplice to snatch small victims without even stopping the van, so this one gets some points for practicality.

Whatever it means, you couldn't lure me into this thing if I was dying of thirst in the middle of the desert and this was my only way back to civilization.

Awesometude:  3 

A Volkswagen Van that isn't the type 2?  Lame.  I'm awarding 4 points for clever word tricks, with a 1 point deduction for those tiny wheels.  And at least it's well maintained.

It's a Trap!
Rape Factor:  9

You know how Michael Jackson owned an amusement park and a monkey?  This is exactly like that.  To be fair, there are legitimate reasons to own a vehicle like this - but it cannot be denied, that "to lure unsuspecting victims into my vehicle" is one of those reasons

I would get into this van with 4 large leering burly strangers wearing studded leather pants and bloody latex gloves - and I'm a grown adult that knows better.  A kid doesn't stand a chance - the driver won't even have to pretend he's looking for his lost puppy.

Awesometude:  10 

Remember when you were a kid, and you were told you could do absolutely anything you wanted once you were an adult, and you were certain that you'd eat candy for dinner, own a pet tiger (that you could ride!), live in a black castle with a moat, and find gainful employment as a ninja?

Remember how when you did get older, all of those things kind of crumbled under the weight of sheer impracticality and societal pressure to conform?

Well, this vehicle says 'Fuck You' to every adult that ever told you that you could be the president, but not a space pirate.  This van was designed by that part of each of us that isn't afraid to be completely balls-out awesome.  That bit that we learn to suppress as we grow up and become lame.  It's a reminder, that out there somewhere, someone just ran off and decided to be Han Solo for real.

I'll bet this guy has a pet T-rex, a hoverboard, and a working lightsaber too.

Satan's Econoline
Rape Factor:  10

Forced to guess, I would say that this van was the personal property of the ruler of hell - stolen from the devil by an Evil more worthy.  The Old Ones, perhaps.  If you insist on approaching this vehicle, you should have your weapon drawn and the safety off.  Make no mistake though:  This sort of evil is not subject to the whimsy of mortal intent.

The bullets are for the victim, if you are merciful - and yourself, if you are wise.

That's not rust.  That's the partially coagulated blood of the imprisoned souls of innumerable victims oozing out of the side of the dark lord's personal conveyance.  The axles don't squeal.  Those are the tortured moans of the innocent denizens of eternal torment - sequestered from a God powerless to save his doomed children.  That's not a turn signal, it's the intermittantly licking flames of -- You know what?  I'm just going to stop right there.  I think you can see where I'm going with this.

It's a bad van.

Awesometude:  10 

Do I even have to explain this?  I guarantee you that Freddy Kruger, Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, and Pinhead are all in the back of this vehicle RIGHT NOW, shooting methamphetamine directly into their cocks and punching directions into their GPS.

That might not sound very awesome to you - but from their perspective, it's going to be a hell of a night.


  1. I'd roll the Star Wars van
    (Mel Ido)

  2. I stumbled here on chance, reading your posts about the bering sea crews and rape van, and I must say, totally awesome. The best reading I had in a long time. Thanks for doing this. Cheers Nils

    1. Thanks Nils. I'm just getting started out, so it's kind of hard to stay motivated knowing that almost no one will ever see this stuff. Out of ~180 views, I've gotten 2 comments. And the first one was from someone I know in person.

      So again, thanks for the feedback. It encourages me to keep posting.

  3. OMG! This is TOO flipping funny! And I have five daughters! My best friend in life was saying tonight how funny would it be to put a sign on the side of a van reading "Free Puppies & Ice Cream" and then park in the elementary school parking lot...which is how I got to your site.

    -A woman with a sense of humor

    1. Thanks - it's nice to know that some people (or even women) still have a sense of humor!


  4. I assure you this is making the rounds but nobody wants to comment due to subject matter. It's got all my buddies laughing our ***es off and forwarding it on. Keep up the good work.

    1. Thanks for reading. Glad to know I'm making the rounds.

      I can understand that the subject matter lives in a dangerous place, and that it is not for everyone - but I am of the opinion that it is precisely the worst aspects of humanity which most deserve to be mocked.

      It is not the intention of this post to cause discomfort to anyone - nor, however, will I shy away from my style of humor in some misguided effort to carefully avoid offending anyone. The name of the article is at the top of the page, and it's not misleading at all. Anyone offended by the title should probably move on instead of reading the entire thing.

      At any rate, thanks for commenting. Hopefully the anonymous reply feature will help to embolden your amused friends.

  5. This is hysterical, best internet story i have seen in some time , was crying laughter at my desk.

    1. Thanks for stopping by... 6 years ago.

      I've got about a dozen articles I almost released, but just haven't nailed them down. We're living in strange times and I refuse to write about the only thing any news channel wants to talk about

  6. You'll be glad to know, this page is now a top hit if you google "rape van for sale"

    1. Outstanding -- maybe I should jump on the opportunity of my fortuitous keyword placement and start selling vans.

  7. I was searching for a generic "rape van" photo and this popped up at the top of the search results. Pure gold, LMAO! I miss the old days when this was what the internet was all about instead of Twatter and Facepalm. Keep up the good work. Now off to my driveway, the contents of my van need tending to...

    1. Thanks for dropping a kind word.

      It's been difficult to write for the last few years. It's basically impossible to keep up with the news cycle.


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